Aries - Run a race. Lose and get mad. Punch your friends in the face. All of them.

Taurus - This week you won’t even bother putting on pants or changing your underwear. You’ll find yourself using a dirty fork as a back-scratcher as you watch your 48-hour Youtube marathon.

Gemini - Today you will eat a dick. Like you will actually bite someone’s dick off and eat it. Fuckin psycho.

Cancer - This month you will read the Twilight series and cry, then cry about the fact that it made you cry. Ultimately you will hang yourself from a streetlight.

Leo - Throwing cheeseburgers at children in the playground has never felt so good. Watch out for that angry, alcoholic soccer mom.

Virgo - Consider taking risks. It’ll pay off when you get stranded on that desert island and the natives worship you as a god. Eventually they’ll get sick of your whiny bullshit and throw you into a volcano.

Libra - You will shoplift a Twinkie and enjoy it.

Scorpio - Stop masturbating to amputee porn for 5 seconds and go outside you sick fuck. This is why you have no friends.

Sagittarius - You’ve been stressed out lately. Consider smoking crack.

Capricorn - Your intellect will take you far. You’ll find yourself spiraling into depressive insanity after discovering the meaning of life. You’ll be the best finger-painter at the asylum.

Aquarius - Look forward to running naked through the streets with a butcher knife. You will be gunned down by a street vigilante in 40 minutes or less.

Pisces - Expect a big change in your life when you’re abducted and probed by aliens. They’ll drop you off at a gas station in New Jersey and everyone will call you a lying asshole.